Thursday, August 27, 2009

a wonderful something

[Where and how to begin?
just so much there to say
And as declared, in my last confession
Its rather difficult these days, to hold it together
Yet, I must make an effort, I must…
Cause this,…this…’thing’… its…
Well its driving me…
Heck! That’s no good. I’ll start afresh,…
Don’t know where to begin
There’s so much I want to say]

Its not a mad passion burning up the soul
Or a craving of the flesh
Or a timid plea for love, Its not!
Its something more…subtle.
Something that actually spreads
When the alcohol wears off
Its something quite unlike I’ve ever known.

‘Love’ and ‘Lust’ and ‘Passion’
- these words I now dread
For they now stand in my way
Conspiring against me
Not letting me speak my heart!
They want to creep into my mind,
Tie the tongue into a knot,
And make it spit out foolish, meaningless words
(as they have done on so many occasions in the past)
But this time, I wont let ‘em!

For now its sanity I seek,
clarity I crave,
a cold hard slap I want
to snap back to reality
to clean up the cobwebs in my mind
to take the load off of my chest
And to untie my tongue
So that it can ease into the truth
And the truth, my dear, is quite simple…

I’m having trouble accepting
That its done
That I wont ever really know u
And accept the fate of strangers,
passing each other by on a supermarket isle
- one quick glance, and then moving on.
In all fairness, why should it not be so?
After all, what is there to expect?
A couple of more chance encounters?
Exchange of polite greetings?
And ‘friendly’ smiles?
(O how I hate that word!)

And that’s just it! I expect nothing!
I want nothing!
None of those dreaded words
(and of course not the silly one I so regret!)
But it still bothers me
More than it should
That I wont ever really know u.

Cause u see, I’ve seen but very little
(and understood even less when I did)
But now that I’m sober,
and am thinkin it over
Its all so clear to me!
(Never thought I’d say that!)

I see myself for what I’ve been
A fake!
A poser and a loser
A clever vender of catch phrases and clich├ęs
While you’ve been true all along!

You held your wine well
And anybody could tell
You’re as sharp as u r pretty
As modest as you’re witty
But kind to a fault!
(While you endured all my BS and let it slide!)

But even so, I cant but hope
That those bright, deep eyes
(despite the influence of wine and martini)
saw something in there too
something that your perhaps recognized,
something that you knew
from a story in your book,
the pictures on your wall
the dreams you’d chased
or the demons you’d called
I don’t know, what it is…
And it sucks that I never will

5 comments:

goatman said...

Hello my friend. I think of you each time a typhoon hits your lowland country and wonder.

At first I thought that you sought understanding; knowledge that we are all one in this world, if boiled down.
But then it seems only one is your subject and isn't it always so in the young, and you are young --I am old, my ducks and I. I will have to try the apples but they seem to always look at me like I am from space if I offer anything but lettuce and corn. (I still have 4 ducks including one left of those that I hatched in my incubator)

I wish you well. What are you studying, if anything?

Weatherman said...

Hi goatman, its nice to hear from you. I understand what you mean about my subject. And I suppose you are right. Although I'm not so young anymore, it seems I haven't been able to get over certain things. :)

However, its not that I stopped wondering about the 'oneness' of things. For a moment I thought I was beginning to understand what its all about. But then I sort of lost it; my thoughts started darting on the exact opposite, that is absolute meaningless and chaos. I was torn between the two...(and perhaps still am to some extent) and hoped my time abroad will help me resolve these issues. I got all tangled up, in the loops of recurring thoughts and conflics and eventually, it became very hard for me to even try to put them down in writing.

Anyhow, I have come to some sort of a reconciliation, for the moment at least. Boiled down...it'd probably be, well...the oneness is, but a part of it. But, nevermind, the mind will do what it has to, to find some peace for itself.

Yes, I am attending school again. Its a master's program in media management.

goatman said...

Managing media must be tricky ... like herding cats maybe. Just kidding.
I must check into this management specialty and see what it's about.

It is true. Thoughts are random noise and hard to control. I have found meditation to help in this regard; but . . . thoughts are hard to let pass and not react to. Takes time, I guess.

Be well

Middle Ditch said...

That was a lovely read. I thoroughly enjoyed it

Weatherman said...

Hi Monique, sorry I didn't respond earlier. Was sort of intimidated by your list of blogs, and after going through some of them, well...I was positively petrified! (Meant as a compliment of course). Anyhow, thank you very much for your kind comment. It was just a a mad rant after a drunken night. As you could probably guess, my blog isn't a serious one...its just a stupid hobby of a very stupid man. :)